Foolish Thoughts, Part I
February 4th, 2008 at 01:14am Mark Noonan
It occurs to me that there is a great deal of nonsense current in our modern society. I’ve decided to start a series of entries on the folly of so much of what is considered rock-solid in our modern world, and we’ll start of with:
“You must find someone who will love you for what you are.”
The concept here is that deep inside us there is a real “self”; indestructible and who we really are and we must remain true to this self. The romantic expression of this is the artist who simply must do his art, regardless of what others think of it and regardless of wether he can make a living at it - he’s in touch with his real self and he is expressing it, and if you can’t love him for what he is, then the problem lies with you. Bunch of nonsense, that is.
The ability of human beings to rationalise their behaviour is endless - a man who is a lazy slob might very well, and with gratitude, explain to his complaining wife that this is just who he is, and that he shouldn’t even so much as be asked to modify his behaviour. The slob’s disrespect for others and laziness is raised to be on par with the virtues of being respectful and diligent. When we say that a person is just to be true to their “self” and that no one has a right to judge another “self” all we do is provide an opening for creeps to justify their creepiness. “I gotta be me” is translated as “I gotta be allowed to do whatever I please”.
To expect someone to love you as you are is the height of arrogance - the reality is that if one is to find true love in this life, it will be a matter of someone deciding to love you in spite of your flaws. Just as God loves all even though all are sinners, so in our personal relations we must love others even though all are just as loused up as we are. Our job as the receivers of love is to thank those who love us, and ask if there’s anything we can do to make things easier. In other words, we have to show a willingness to modify ourselves to please those whom we profess to love. This doesn’t mean we have to become automatons in the hands of our spouses, but it does mean that the last thing we should do is remain true to some mythical “self” - our job is to remain true to our word; and that, in marriage, means we might, indeed, have to change ourselves into something we never imagined at the start.
So, out with this foolish concept of demanding that someone love us for what we are - and in with a humble understanding that someone will love us, and we should be willing to assist them in so doing.
Entry Filed under: Social Issues
22 Comments
1. Martin | February 4th, 2008 at 1:21 am
Mark,
My brother. This post has made me love you for who you are.
2. extramedium | February 4th, 2008 at 3:17 am
“You must find someone who will love you for what you are.”
It’s interesting that you take this concept to mean (to simplify things) “you need to accept me as I am even though I’m bad and I won’t try to be better.” It can also be taken as “you need to accept me as I am - a good albeit average person, with flaws.” You know, something you might say to a broken hearted daughter after she’s dumped for a cheerleader. In that sense, it’s not such a foolish thought.
Also, wouldn’t you say man’s greatest rationalization for bad behavior or even a life of failure is to give himself over to the idea that man is “fallen”?
3. Christian Wright | February 4th, 2008 at 7:17 am
I think the spouces of the 17,000 people who lost their jobs in January have to accept them for what they are: “unemployed”.
“US employers cut 17,000 jobs in January, the first such reduction in more than four years, in the latest indicator that the US economy could be sliding towards recession.
The US labour department said a variety of professional jobs, including in the manufacturing and construction sector, were lost despite predictions 80,000 would be created.
“We are on the brink of a recession now,” Daniel North, chief economist for credit insurance company Euler Hermes ACI, told Reuters news agency.”
4. Diane Tomlinson | February 4th, 2008 at 8:06 am
No comment then on the NRCC fraud investigation? I guess the five GOP congressmen who last week decided they would not seek reelection figured that going to prison was really not who they are.
5. RenHouck | February 4th, 2008 at 9:09 am
Two comments:
1. Mark, I want some of what your smoking. Good stuff eh? Dude, did you get the muchies too?
2. Your premise is precisely why Jeremiah ain’t goin’ to be involved with the fairer sex. He does not seem to understand the the concept of humility.
6. bagni | February 4th, 2008 at 11:33 am
markish
you must have got into a fight with your wife or something?
but…by observing earthlings…the successfully married ones?
we suspect it’s all about
-commitment
-respect
-add in some lust
-and to your point…concession
7. Retired Spook | February 4th, 2008 at 12:08 pm
-commitment
-respect
-add in some lust
-and to your point…concession
bagni, I almost never agree with much of what you say, at least that part which I can decypher, but you seem to have a good handle on the ingredients of a good relationship. I’d like to think my marriage encompasses all four elements.
I’ve been happily married to the same woman for going on 42 years, so we must be doing something right. We made a solemn commitment on our wedding day to never go to bed mad at each other. We did pull an all-nighter once, but it was so long ago that neither of us remembers what the disagreement was about.
8. Almiranta | February 4th, 2008 at 1:25 pm
But Mark, doncha know, there is ENTITLEMENT to be loved/accepted, no strings attached. There used to be that pesky concept that respect and love and, yes, some degree of acceptance, had to be EARNED–but that is so so Yesterday.
This is a Brave New World, in which the opportunity to earn and deserve love, respect, and acceptance has been replaced with the promise of being handed those responses with no effort being expended.
We just have to look at our resident trolls to see this in action. They seem to subscribe to this idea, as they never seem to feel the need to earn respect or even acceptance by doing anything of value. Just on this thread, CW feels that the existence of a thread, any thread, is really just an invitation for him to rant and rave, on and on and on and on and on, about his latest BDS Moment. Evidently he should just be accepted and given respect just for —- being.
Ditto for Diane.
The abolishement of standards for simple everyday decent behavior has resulted in things like this—people feeling the “right” to indulge in temper tantrums about whatever itches them that day, with no concern about truth, validity, reason, fairness, decency, or common sense. Evidently, the mere fact of taking breath makes CW so special he can just vent all over the place, dumping his odd and distasteful spew at will—and we are supposed to accept him, with no demand or expectation that he even try to meet any standard of truth or reason.
It may be part and parcel of the movement to give every participant in a sport an equal trophy, or the same good grade on essays no matter how terrible the spelling may be. (”spouce”????)
Mommies do this. The real world doesn’t. Or shouldn’t. Though the Nanny State demands of the radical Left, and the efforts to “level the playing field” so no one ever excels, is an effort to make virtual mommies of us all…..
9. js | February 4th, 2008 at 3:15 pm
Love is simply giving to others what you want for yourself.
10. Jeremiah | February 4th, 2008 at 3:31 pm
In today’s society, people don’t want to love or be loved…they want to be noticed, and accepted into what the norm of society. What is the norm?
Money, liquor, and sex.
–Jeremiah–
11. Nate | February 4th, 2008 at 4:16 pm
isn’t “love you for what you are” pretty much the same as “love you in spite of your flaws.” your flaws are part of who you are (as are many things) so the second is actually a subset of the prior. if you choose to love someone you can’t go into a relationship expecting to change the other person (whatever you perceive as a flaw which may or may not be in many other eyes) — perhaps you can make your wishes know but it’s the other person who needs to decide to change. you can’t change another person.
12. Jeremiah | February 4th, 2008 at 5:01 pm
You can’t change another person.
Nate,
That’s why Christ came to die on the Cross. He came to take all the sin that we commit. He took on the things that we do in our hearts that are considered as sin - all the depravity, hate, greed, drunkenness, lust, adultery, sodomy, on and on…John 3:17 — For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved. 18 - He who believes in Him is not condemned; but he who does not believe is condemned already, because he has not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God.
And it goes on say that Christ was the light - or pure flesh as reflection of God’s Spirit. The ultimate form of human love. The same light, through His Word exposes sin in peoples’ lives, because evil hates the light. This is why Jesus said we must be born-again, or changed…and is the only way we can show true love and that people may see the light of Christ in us.
If you go into a dark room with zero light for 24 hours and then open the door where there is plentiful sunshine….it’s like aaah, man, it hurts and you can’t hardly open your eyes. Well, it’s the same way in our spiritual lives, when we’ve been accustomed to the pleasures of the world, then it’s really tough to make that change, and you don’t accept it very well, and sometimes people pay a dear price before they actually make a decision to come into and accept the light. Jesus doesn’t want us to wait, His Spirit says, ‘Come Now, don’t wait, tomorrow may be too late, Come Now!!!’ For the wages of sin is death.
And there is no secret way, because nothing can be kept from God, He knows everything, and has prepared the way, all you have to do is accept His Love and Forgiveness, and take it to others that they might me touched by His Love. All you have to do is say, “Here am I, God, send me!”
–Jeremiah–
13. Casper | February 4th, 2008 at 6:02 pm
I think that when you go into a relationship, you should understand that there are somethings that can be changed and others that can’t.
If my wife didn’t like my sense of humor, our relationship wouldn’t have lasted a year. On the other hand, I have changed in a lot of other ways from the person that my wife married 32 years ago. I am more responsible and I am a better listener than when we first met.
14. bagni | February 4th, 2008 at 6:04 pm
spookyboi
congrats on your 42 years
you’re older than i
but i’ve been with the same wonderful earthly female for 24 yrs
in this case only
like me…with that type of marital longevity?
you’re not normal
15. Mark Noonan | February 4th, 2008 at 6:13 pm
Nate,
No, not like that at all - when someone demands that we love him for what he is, the demand is actually that we affirm what he is…if he’s a lazy slob, then we should be positive about that or, at minimum, we shouldn’t say any derogatory about it. When I say we find people who love us in spite of our flaws, there is no illusion that the flaws are other than flaws.
And, yes, you can change…there was a song out and about, a very good one in my view, which had the line “I’m not who I was”…that is me, all over. I ran into a friend I hadn’t seen in years and while we’re still friends, the vast gulf between Mark Noonan of 2008 and the Mark Noonan of 1998 is astounding. I look the same and I sound the same…but the changes in me are vast.
16. Stimpy | February 4th, 2008 at 7:26 pm
You obviously chose the dark side.
17. Aitch | February 4th, 2008 at 7:36 pm
Is this a big issue in America today? People demanding to be loved because they are lazy slobs. Who is even attracted to lazy slobs? If someone married a lazy slob and they should know what they are getting into and really not expect them to change just because you don’t like it. I guess I agree, though; if she remains a lazy slob you should definitely leave her.
18. Retired Spook | February 4th, 2008 at 7:46 pm
with that type of marital longevity?
you’re not normal
bagni, I’ve recently become reacquainted with my first love from high school. She tells me the same thing — she’s on husband #6, LOL!
19. Ricorun | February 4th, 2008 at 9:19 pm
Maybe if I had it to do all over again, maybe I’d do it differently. It’s hard to say. But I do envy those who have managed a long-term relationship with a good woman (or man, as the case may be). My first love in high school started off like “Some Enchanted Evening”: Some enchanted evening… you may see a stranger… across a crowded room… and somehow you know… you know even then… that somehow you’ll see her again and again.” Of course, the song makes you picture a beautiful ballroom or some other exotic setting. In my case crowded room was the basement of a Presbyterian church. Anyway, we were a hot item for quite a while, but eventually we got too wrapped up in chasing our dreams. We were both pretty driven, and our dreams led in different directions in different places. But we still stayed in touch. I proposed to her several times over the years — neither one of us married early. It got to be a joke, because I guess we both knew that though we were perfect for each other in certain ways, we were terrible in others. I finally did get married, but she never did. Not quite. She was sporting a new engagement ring when she was killed by terrorists.
A ghost of aviation
She was swallowed by the sky
Or by the sea, like me she had a dream to fly
Like icarus ascending
On beautiful foolish arms
Amelia, it was just a false alarm
20. NeoClown | February 4th, 2008 at 10:38 pm
Mark,
Did the old lady bitch you out for leaving the toilet seat up again?
Women, can’t live with them, can’t live without them.
21. Nate | February 4th, 2008 at 10:47 pm
right, we can all choose to change (which is what I hear folks saying they’re doing whether inspired by others or from within) and make that change, but no one can make us change if we’re not ready and willing. so if you love someone you love them for who they are not what you think they might be if they would change (cause who says they’ll change the way you want them to?)
22. Mark Noonan | February 5th, 2008 at 3:07 am
NeoClown,
I don’t do that - my wife’s primary complaint, if you wish to call it that, is the inordinant amount of time I spend blogging…